


Waldeinsamkeit

by merlypops



Series: Beautiful Words - 5SOS Stories [16]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Heavy Angst, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Song Lyrics, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-19
Updated: 2014-09-19
Packaged: 2018-02-17 23:43:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2327450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlypops/pseuds/merlypops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Luke remembers how he spent more and more time in the woods until, one day, it occurred to him that he didn’t even feel like he belonged in his own home anymore.'</p><p>
  <b>Luke is losing himself and no one is around to catch him when he falls down.</b>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Waldeinsamkeit

**Author's Note:**

> This is really horrible and I'm sorry.

**waldeinsamkeit**

_a feeling of solitude, being alone in the woods and a connectedness to nature_

 

Luke Hemmings remembers how the woods were the only place he felt _real_ anymore.

He remembers how hearing the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves and feeling the gentle breeze caressing his pale skin as the sun rose in the morning were the only things he had left nowadays, although of course that wasn’t _really_ true.

Luke remembers how he felt lonely in a crowded room, lost and _isolated_ when he was surrounded with his family and friends. He remembers how it felt like his heart wasn’t actually beating anymore, except for those times when he ran the blade across his wrists, and Luke remembers how the terrible emptiness inside him grew and grew until they were one and the same.

Luke remembers how he felt like a shadow sometimes as he lingered behind everyone else, silently watching and listening as the darkness spread, hiding him from everyone who could still feel the sun on their skin.

Luke remembers how the cuts on his wrists weren’t straight anymore. He remembers how they were crooked and wonky, veering off as they carved through the alabaster skin on his arms. Luke remembers how the cuts weren’t controlled anymore – they were _desperate_ , a cry for help that he frantically muffled before anyone around could hear it.

Luke remembers how the thought of the blood dripping down his arms from the cuts in the crook of his elbow made him feel _sick_ , and he remembers how that wasn’t the only thing that made him feel sick these days.

He remembers how, whenever he tried to eat anything anymore or even clean his _teeth_ properly, he would gag. He remembers how he used to wake up feeling sick every morning, unable to _bear_ the thought of eating but forcing himself anyway because if he stopped doing _that_ then he would have no normality _left_.

Luke remembers how his jumpers and hoodies rubbed the cuts on his arms _raw_ , and he remembers how it was a constant reminder every day of the pathetic state of his existence. Luke remembers how much he _hated_ himself a little more with every passing day, and he remembers how the knot in his chest that _used_ to vanish after cutting only got worse and worse, and Luke remembers when he began to wish that he was dead.

He remembers how, outwardly at least, nothing had changed.

He remembers how everyone still just thought of him as quiet, shy, but a pretty good kid, all things considered. Luke remembers how much he _hated_ those words because they were being used to describe _him_ , and he couldn’t stand it.

Luke remembers how he spent more and more time in the woods until, one day, it occurred to him that he didn’t even feel like he belonged in his own _home_ anymore.

Luke remembers how he only spent one more night there, and he remembers how those hours of darkness before the dawn were his undoing.

Luke remembers how his tears blinded him as his breath caught in his throat, and he remembers pressing his back against the door to make absolutely _certain_ that nobody came in, and Luke remembers how he dragged the blade along his wrists again and again until the rivulets of blood running across his skin were the only things he could see.

He remembers how there was a Good Charlotte song playing faintly from the iPod that had once belonged to one of his brothers, and Luke remembers how the blood wouldn’t stop coming and how he _finally_ realised that he’d gone too far.

Luke remembers how there was _no_ feeling of control this time as he staggered to his feet, dropping the bloodied blade on the carpet as he reached for the iPod. Luke remembers how he left bloody fingerprints on the door handle as he warily let himself out of his room, stumbled down the stairs and escaped.

Luke remembers how the sky was already beginning to lighten as the stars faded, and he remembers how the door clicked shut softly behind him and how nobody even realised he’d _gone_ as he started off down the drive, his head spinning as the blood began to drip down onto the dusty ground.

Luke remembers how ‘ _Say Anything_ ’ was playing as he left, and he remembers how that felt fitting somehow.

“ _Don’t say a word, I know you feel the same. Just give me the sign. Say anything, say anything. Please don’t walk away. I know you wanna stay. You just give me a sign. Say anything, say anything._ ”

Luke remembers how his vision was beginning to go grey around the edges as he finally reached the woods, sort of _fuzzy_ as shapes blurred in and out of focus. Luke remembers thinking that the films had never got that quite right. He remembers wondering why the _hell_ he was thinking about that.

Luke remembers how his knees started to feel weak as he walked further and further, and he remembers how his hands felt tacky with slowly-drying blood as more and more of it continued to fall.

Luke remembers how the first rays of sunlight cleared the horizon, and he remembers how a breeze rustled the leaves of the trees as the iPod slipped through Luke’s fingers and tumbled onto the ground.

“ _I’m fallin’. I’m fallin’. I’m fallin’ down. I’m fallin’. I’m fallin’. I’m fallin’ down. Down, down, down._ ”

Luke remembers how his knees gave way then, sending him toppling face-first onto the forest floor. He remembers rolling over onto his back in vain to breathe as the birds began to sing in the sky and the sun slowly began to paint the skies with pinks and oranges, and how he felt ashamed.

Luke remembers when everything faded.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry.  
> Please leave comments and kudos if you want.
> 
> P.S. I made people sad so, if it makes you feel any better, maybe a mysterious boy with red hair was taking a walk through the woods and he found him.... okay?


End file.
